got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
