What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha