I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
