a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
