my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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