the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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