Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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