On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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