I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
