how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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