you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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