Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
