What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
