I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
