my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
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On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
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So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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