just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
