I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
