Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
