found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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