I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
