i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
