Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
