i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
