Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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