i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I love having hate sex.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
