who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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