I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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