Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
