He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
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This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
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because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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