shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
