theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
