Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
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Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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