You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
