It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
