you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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