You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
