dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
