sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
