I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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