Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
People in love make me want to vomit
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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