update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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