I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
