I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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