Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
