That's intense
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
