I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
