the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
