I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
