i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
