Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
