Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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