I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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