I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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