bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
