guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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