If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
