you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
