Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
